wah wah wah (rant ahead)

i have been slightly lacking in motivation lately.

so i've done two races this season, which is two more than i did at this time last season, which itself should be considered a victory. And i've ridden almost 1,000 miles (still working on the base, yes) which is more than i rode ALL of last season (January to December 2006, trainer and rollers included).

But still i find myself in the middle of a race, hating life, crying (yes, crying-- i know, i know, there's no crying in mountain biking) and wanting to sell all of my bikes and bike stuff as soon as i get home. i think 'why the %@#*& am i doing this??' i get mad at myself, my friends that i bike with (why do they encourage me?!) my mother (why does she support this, however unwillingly?!) and the race organizers (why didn't they cancel the damn thing given the lightning and torrential rain?!). i dread the phone conversations after the race. { interested friend/ family member: 'how'd you do?' me: 'uh, dead effing last.' interested friend/ family member: 'oh. well... at least you tried.' } i start hoping for irreparable mechanicals ('maybe my frame will crack...') and even bodily harm ('hey, if i break my collarbone then i won't have to finish OR race again!')

and then i finish and it's done and i have a huge grin on my face and i can't wait to do it again! and i've even finished third!

... out of three. and i've been beaten by a 14-year-old who was competing in her first race, or a 16-year-old semi-pro. or my friend/riding buddy/classmate/co-worker who i could drop last season. or a different 16-year-old semi-pro.

yes, all of these are people who have beaten me. and this isn't to mention the scores of young college women who have, and continue to cream my butt during the collegiate season.

and then i'm afraid of what other people think:
1. she just rides to meet guys. (uh, no. i've never dated a cyclist, FYI.)
2. she must just ride because her boyfriend rides. (see above.)
3. she's a whiney loser. (perhaps...)
4. who does she even think she is, racing here? (::sad face::)

so i make excuses:
1. i'm not really training for this race. i'm training for the fall collegiate season.
2. i don't race to win, i just like a hard training ride and this is an easy way to get one.
3. i haven't really trained at all.
4. i have other priorities, like my academic career.

but really... all that's a bunch of BS. i'm a competitive person. i don't like to lose. i do like to bike. so i guess it's time to cut the crap and stop whining and try to change what i'm whining about... heh.

wish me luck! :-P